


sooner: a missed reason

by brokenviridity



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Crying, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Read with caution PLEASE, Sad, Soulmates, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Triggers, like very very short, not even deep i am just sad, very short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:41:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27075919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenviridity/pseuds/brokenviridity
Summary: but the moment he fell into the stranger’s arms, everything was gone.he was at peace.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	sooner: a missed reason

**Author's Note:**

> read with caution! there are many triggers in this.

he was a flame with no fuel. a dying spark. there was no reason left for him anymore. 

and he walked down the platform, scuffed sneakers and dirty laces trailing behind him. he could feel the candy wrappers and crumpled papers in the pockets of his jacket, the dark denim guarding him from the wind. every breath produced a fog that clouded his vision. it’d been a while since he’d felt teardrops running down his cheeks. if anything, the warmth was comforting. he felt more alive. they flowed freely, a stream keeping the angry breeze from stinging his eyes.

the warmth seeped away, leaving icy trails in its wake. they dried into stiff lines and the cold attacked him once again, the wind strong enough to pull his hood down

and the stranger saw and followed, for something was unsettling about the boy.

he pulls the grey cloth back over his head and continues his heavy steps, not noticing the gentle thud of the boots behind him. there’s a wail in the distance, and he merely smiles to himself.

_i’m going to be free._

he thinks of all that’s happened. the eyes that have glared at him in disgust, the pain of silent nights and unshed tears, the buzzing numbness that clawed at him everywhere he went. the excruciating headaches and unwelcome whispers in his head. a constantly loud silence, one that would never stop torturing him. 

the screaming in the distance becomes more and more clear, and his heart jumps in anticipation. this will be it. today is the day.

his shoes scuff against the concrete as he abruptly stops. he could see the world out of the corner of his eyes. the skyline was beautiful; a constellation of thousands of lives. the city seemed distant, and he wondered just how long it would take to walk back to his apartment if he changed his mind.

the stranger stopped and sat on the bench, keeping his eyes on the boy.

nails dug into his palm, cutting crescents into the already damaged skin. he went deeper in hopes of finally snapping out of whatever trance he was in.

nothing came but blood and broken nails.

so he stopped and let go, his fingers going lax in his pockets. looking up into the night sky, he saw nothing but a single star: a rather dim one at that. 

he wondered from the bench what the smile that graced the boy’s face meant. his lips showed relief but his eyes held pain- it was a disturbingly beautiful sight.

and as the ear-splitting sound came closer, it filled the droning in his head. his eyes twinkled before falling shut. the cadence of the wheels hitting the tracks was his lullaby, coaxing him into an endless dream. an irresistible light painted the back of his eyelids, and he let himself fall back. as he soared through the air, his eyes flew open.

  
  


the lights were too bright.

the whistles were too loud.

the steady rhythm of the train sounded like they were beating a path to hell.

_this isn’t what i wanted._

his hands flew out of his pockets as he desperately grabbed at the air. it was too much. the light, the screeching

he was so, so cold. november wasn’t supposed to be that cold.

_i’m not ready_ , he thought

_i can’t die yet._

“I’M NOT READY TO” he screamed. he yelled. the words tore through his throat from his chest, sending ripples through his entire being. everything was in slow motion. his tears were no longer warm; they were no longer tears of joy. they were of agony, anxiety, _fear_. 

_no no no_

why was he so stupid? he had so much left for him. his family, his friends, his time. he had time. time to get rid of the excruciating silence. all the time. and he threw it away. all he’d ever wanted to do was happening, and now he wanted to stay. why? what’s left after this? 

this was a real nothingness. what he felt before was a cheap imitation, one that he fell into and one that kept him in chains of barbed wire. he wasn’t ready for this real nothing, but it was far too late. his arms flew and flailed in front of his very own eyes, dark silhouettes compared to the blinding light behind him. all that greeted his fingertips was empty air. this wasn’t the peace he wanted

_no no no no NO_

and he screamed as he watched his entire life play inside his head. if this was the entire storyboard, it was much too short. and it was nobody’s fault but his.

and suddenly, his miserable hands met a pair of strong ones. this was his chance. whatever he’d grabbed onto was his only way out.

and he gripped onto them tightly, with everything he’s ever had. they were his lifeline, the only way to escape what he’d brought upon himself. and he pulled with his whole body, wanting to escape what was waiting for him. he pulled and pulled and pulled desperately, tears running down his face. he would make it. this wasn’t the end. he would be alright.

_God, i promise you i won’t do this again_

_please, just save me this once_

_i’ll never ask You of anything again_

  
  
  


he felt himself going against gravity, being pulled up, being _saved_ -

  
  


and his heart dropped as his anchor to the world unlatched and began to fall with him. he screamed and cried and wailed, face covered in snot and tears. why was it happening so fast? 

and out of the bright light came the face of what _was_ his only hope. a face he didn’t know, but a face of someone that gave him relief in his last few seconds of life. the eyes held fear, held shock, held disbelief.

lee minho was a man that wanted to live. he wanted nothing but to live freely throughout his 21 years of life. everything was beautiful and shined with brilliance in his world; life was his addiction. it was all set out for him. he could never get enough of it.

han jisung was a boy that wanted to die. nothing ever mattered to him. everything went against him and he had no world for himself. life was pain, something he desperately wanted to escape.

or so he thought

because now, after the end had been presented to him, he wanted everything but that.

but what could he do now? not only had he taken what was left for him, but also everything that was left for the man above. the stranger could’ve saved himself, could’ve let his bloodied hands go, but he stayed. stayed and drew jisung closer.

he didn’t even know the name of the man but melted into his embrace. everything was screaming, too loud, too bright

but the moment he fell into the stranger’s arms, everything was gone. 

he was at peace.

  
  
  


and as he fell onto the train tracks, han jisung could only wish that he had met this man sooner.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos are appreciated (:  
> take care of yourselves ^^


End file.
